Saturday, May 17, 2008


I remember my dreams A LOT. Sometimes my dreams are so real that I have a hard time after I wake up telling the difference between the dream and reality. Dreams can often affect my mood for the entire day.

The entire week before I found out I was pregnant, I was having VERY vivid dreams... and I even asked Jennifer if that was a pregnancy symptom. It could have been because I was taking allergy medicine before bed though.

The past three nights, I have had very different but equally disturbing dreams... I'll give you the short versions.

1. My parents were raising my 4 or 5 year old son (I don't know why). I went to their house to finally meet him and become his mother and take him home. I was trying to fulfill my motherly duties, so I tried giving him a bath. I filled up the bathtub, and I placed him in it. He sat indian style in the bath tub, but the water went over his head. I lifted him out of the tub and he said "that's okay mom, it didn't bother me, you can try again." So this time I got in with him, but for some reason when I got in it created a current and he looked at me and said "ok, I'm scared now." I got out, and I was trying to pull him out, but couldn't. We were both frightened... then my mom came upstairs, and just reached down and got him out with no problem.

2. I was looking out my window and noticed that Phoebe got out of the backyard. In real life this would have resulted in me running outside as fast as I could to go rescue my dog. But, instead I just watched her. I noticed that a coyote came up to her. She jumped on it's back to attack it (now, remember Phoebe weighs all of 4 lbs.) I still didn't go out there and save her. She looked like she had it under control. After a few minutes though, my heart started pouding really heavily and I was scared something bad happened to her (duh). I ran outside, and there were a group of people surrounding what was a dead coyote and a badly injured Phoebe. The pain that I felt was indescribable, knowing that I could have helped her...but now she may die... and even if she didn't die, she was in an incredible amount of pain. I took her to the vet, and the vet didn't even look up at me or Phoebe and said "just leave her here for 12 hours, and we'll see what we can do." I was livid and started screaming.... if you can't help her right now, tell me what I can do to save her. I HAVE TO SAVE HER!

3. I was waiting in a waiting room with TONS of other pregnant women waiting to deliver our babies. I was number 33, and they were on number 2. I waited and waited, and it was eventually my turn. I don't remember a thing about the delivery... just that my baby looked so old. It looked like it was 1 year old already. I remember feeling disappointed and thinking that if I had only gotten to the hospital sooner, I wouldn't have had to wait so long, and my baby would still be a baby. My baby was already talking, and I didn't know what to do to take care of him. My cousins were there and were trying to tell me that I needed to hurry up and feed him, and that he's starving, but I couldn't figure out how. I tried to pick him up out of his car seat, but he was too heavy.

I guess my subconscious is pretty worried about the fact that I will be a mother soon, and responsible for a whole other life. This is such a huge thing, that I don't feel at all equipped or ready for at all. I'm up for the challenge... in fact it's all I've ever wanted. I just didn't know it was going to happen so soon. I hope that my subconscious will give me a break, because I don't know how I'm going to handle bad mother dreams for the next 6-8 months.


GloryandGrace said...

As I read through some of the things you dreamed about, I couldn't help but feel some of the panic you must have felt...while I can't relate completely, just know that I am praying for you. I pray that you will have peaceful rest at night as you anxiously await the arrival of this new person, the one given to you and the one the Lord has ordained for you to mother. Love you~

Carissa said...

Awww.... my goodness.... yes I hope it gives you a break. It is very strange how one moment you are scared beyond belief of giving birth and all that goes with raising a beautiful gift of God, and then the second he or she comes into the world, your heart opens BIGGER than you very imagined. You don't know what you did with your life before your child, it feels more complete now. You take it a day at a time, you read all the books you can, talk to your parents and other people with children and most important talk to God and your hubby - give the thoughts to them and they will help you thru. I love you I'm so excited for you to be a Mommy.

jennypen said...

You've been on my mind and in my prayers since I read this. Any change? You have a cute Baby, by the way.


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