Sunday, June 1, 2008

I just read the words below on my own blog ... I thought it was someone else's. How can it be that I am carrying a child inside of me?

I don't take this lightly. I am afraid. I am terrified. I know that I have never before felt love like I will feel if I get the opportunity to bring this baby to term and hold it in my arms.

The more you love, the more you hurt. I have spent this entire pregnancy so far thinking about why some women lose their babies. How can I be sure that I won't suffer that loss? Even if I do get past my scary first trimester... how can I be sure that there isn't something tragically wrong that will cause me to lose the child too early? How can I be sure that they won't succumb to SIDS, or won't be struck by a car, or that their father will make it home safely from the grocery store?

I can't. That terrifies me.

I used to fear not being able to get pregnant. That fear has been replaced with trying to hold onto this pregnancy... but all the while not getting too attached for fear that it will be taken away from me.

I have never lost anyone closer than a teacher / uncle / grandparent, but I have seen people around me suffer the loss of children, spouses, and parents. I can't imagine...

I do not know the number of days I have. I do not know the number of days Jarrod has. I do not know the number of days this child inside of me has. But... I do know who does...

The Lord has numbered each one of our days. I do not know why He chooses to take children away from their mothers... but I trust Him. This child that I am carrying belongs to Him. My husband belongs to Him. I will love them as much as I can... and I will give them everything that I have to give, until it is time to let go.
I will scream, and cry, and wail, and curse if I have to give them away... but I will praise the name of the One who gave them to me in the first place.

Lord, never let me forget that I am only a steward for your gifts. While I am totally undeserving of what you give, I happily receive and rejoice that you have chosen me to care for these people in my life.


Jarrod said...

I love you, Stef

GloryandGrace said...

This post made me cry just moments after looking through my wedding pictures from just five months. You are so right in acknowledging the gift that life is, and the gift that people in our lives are. You are one of those to me, and I love you, my dear friend~

jennypen said...

Amen, Stef.

I pray for your peace when I pray for your little one.


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