This may not be appropriate to share with the world, and I apologize if this is too much information for some... but a friend of mine's blog encouraged me to tell my story. She is at a season in her life when there are babies being welcomed into the world all around her. Her situation has her struggling with how, when, or even if she will conceive a child.
I understand her pain and wondering. I am sharing this because I do not know who all reads my blog. I am surprised to find new readers all the time. Someone could be in similar circumstances, and I want to encourage them with my story.
Ever since I was old enough to know that I could have kids of my own one day, that has been my ultimate goal in life - to be a mommy. I think my love of children grew even more when my mother had her third baby when I was 10 years old. I loved my little baby brother so much (well, of course I still do). As soon as I was old enough, I applied to work at a day care with babies. I worked at day cares during summers when I was in college, and nannied during the school year. I even nannied a little girl while I was doing a semester in Paris. I could not wait to have a baby of my own - not just a baby though, a family.
As I've shared before on my blog, when I found out how my then boyfriend was with kids, I was done looking for a suitable father for my children. He was it. I married him after four years of dating. We both looked forward to the day when we could expand our family. We wanted it to be done right though. We didn't want to rush into having children. We wanted a rock solid foundation in our marriage, and a little extra wiggle room in our bank accounts before we welcomed any little ones.
Here's the part that may be too much information for some. My body doesn't function properly. I did not have periods unless I was on a form of birth control, and even then they weren't regular. I knew it would likely be a long arduous road to conception. After prayerful consideration and talks together with Jarrod, we decided that we would stop preventing a pregnancy. We figured it was not likely at all that I would get pregnant without medical intervention, if even at all. We decided that if we miraculously did get pregnant, that we would be thrilled and accept that as the Lord's timing. In reality, though, I knew that the chances were slim to none. My motivation for not preventing pregnancy was that if enough years passed without a pregnancy, Jarrod and I would already know that we needed medical intervention or to consider adoption. I didn't want to wait to try till we were ready, then try for years only to then have to go through years of treatments, or an adoption process.
Years did pass. Though we were never quite ready to start figuring out a solution, the fact that I was not getting pregnant was always in the back of my mind. Every time a new person announced a pregnancy I was silently jealous. Every time someone brought their brand new baby to church it hurt a little. Every time someone asked us "when are you going to have kids" it hurt a little. Sometimes it hurt a lot. Sometimes I would conveniently forget about the baby showers at church, or I would "not see" the sign up sheet to bring a dinner to the new mommy. I would frequently take pregnancy tests, because I did not have the friendly reminder that I was not pregnant every month. While we never necessarily wanted a positive result (yet), I was always disappointed to see the single line on the test. Every time I took a test I got a little more hopeless.
After three years of this had passed, I did conceive naturally (obviously). It was a total shock. How could this have happened? What seemed impossible was a reality. Of course I was thrilled, and all my fears about not being able to conceive were all thrown out the window. What an unbelievable relief it was that my fear of not being able to conceive was now over! (to be followed by the fear of miscarriage, then the fear of losing him during birth, then the fear of SIDS - where I am right now).
My Heavenly Father decided to open my womb at that particular time in my life. The timing seemed bizarre to Jarrod and I, but it was what the Lord had in mind (and now I understand it... I mean have you seen Levi?).
All the time that I had spent tormenting myself about being a mom was in vain. I was so fortunate that we never had to feel the pain of trying to conceive with failure. I am so fortunate that I was able to carry a life inside of me. However, I hope that this story is an encouragement that YOU are not in control of when and how or even if you will conceive. Although that often won't be enough to stifle the pain, know that the days of your child are known to the Lord, and your child will be presented in the perfect time in the perfect manner.
I also want to encourage my readers to not ask their married friends when they will be welcoming a new addition. Either you are good enough friends with them to know their situation already, or you may be adding salt to already sore wounds without knowing it.